Nisan day came and went

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Yesterday I took part in the Jehovah witness day of observance of the last supper. I was told what to look forward to and even explained about the service. I know that people were going to pass both bread and wine and not take part of it unless they say they are called by God to be apart of the 144,000. I myself had taken apart of this service through other denominations and knew of no other way to do until now. But when I got there and the service started I was again reminded by one of the elders speaking that they say we aren’t to take part in the eating or drinking because as second fruit people(not the first fruits, the 144,000) we don’t have a Covenant with Christ and that we only benefit from it(something that I don’t see or agree with still). So by the time the bread and wine was pass by everyone I already had those questions dancing around my head. And as I looked as people one after the other pass the bread away from themselves I couldn’t help but hear in my conscience the words from Christ telling his followers “EAT” this is my body, “DRINK” this is my blood and New Covenant. But yet one after another we pass the plate without eating and pass the glass without drinking. I then wondered what would happen if I did eat and drink from the glass anyway but didn’t. I prayed ever single time my hands touched either the glass or plate for forgiveness if this by any means offended him by me passing it away from myself. In the end I felt as if I was telling God and Christ that I didn’t except this sacrifice and was passing it up by passing it away from me and not taking it up to eat and to drink. And I still feel this way. I know I don’t need the Hall or anyone else to do this for myself in the privacy of my home but somehow I think this experience will weigh very heavily on me for a while and might be a cornerstone in my walk. I just feel like at times that their teaching are strength to my walk with God 60% of the time but for the other 40% of the time I feel like I have to destroy everything I have ever believed to be one of them and I’m not sure if the reasoning on that part is proving that its false or that I have been wrong for so long. I will admit that the relationships I have with many of them especially my friends that come over and study with me every Sunday have been very pleasing and I have felt stronger in my walk daily than I have ever felt before . But I still have a lot of things bothers me and more studying to do. I knew this wasn’t going to be a quick thing so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised about my questions and feelings at this point.

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